Electronic Women

She's beautiful, she's sexy and slender, and she's right there in front of you. Or at least it seems that way. Mostly thanks to the incredible pixel quality of that new computer screen you got at Best Buy. And she appears immediately drawn to you, she hangs on your every word, she seems to like you, at least on the surface. 

All warm and friendly, and willing....

But is she real?

The explosive growth of the internet over the last decade has changed the world in many positive ways, some I feel not so positive, and when the our world changes around us we flexible humans usually change right along with it. Yes, just like most old farts my age, with this one still trying to figure out how to change the oil in his laptop, I was dragged into this somewhat frightening electronic age kicking and screaming like a kid on his way to the dentist's office.
But I'm always open to new stuff and as a creative inquisitive writer, totally fascinated with human nature, one of the biggest benefits I’ve personally experienced with the electronic gadgetry revolution is ease of communication. With virtually any person on the planet, as long as they have a good internet connection. Which for the most part these days seems to be virtually everyone on the planet. Including the butt naked Australian Aborigines, whom I'm reasonably positive now have their own website.

Another wonderful perk with all this digitalization wildly flying around in space is ready access to information.  You type any combination of words into the Google search bar, just as you did to find this site, and POOF! Instant answers to ALL your questions. The problem of course, and I've often been just as guilty as you, is that we may have a tendency to automatically accept that electronic information as fact, without digging beneath the surface, without reading between the lines, without doing what humans should always be doing, which is peering into the darkened cobwebbed corners of surface reality for the rest of the story. In other words, we may stop thinking. Case in point; I remember an American I knew in Medellin, married to a lovely Latina like so many of us grinning Gringos down south, and he and I often got into heated arguments because he refused to believe anything, unless he confirmed it by perpetual "Googling". I'm serious, sometimes the guy would even jump up in mid conversation and dash over to his computer to confirm, or dispel, a heated topic we were kicking around, and it was driving me totally nuts! I'm not exaggerating here, once when the numbskull wasn't looking I was preparing to douse his keyboard with superglue.

Yes this vast electronic entity called the internet is nothing short of amazing, magical, but it will never surpass the informational capacity, nor the constantly expanding reasoning and fact sorting capacity of the human brain. NEVER. Why? Not just because the human brain is constantly expanding and self correcting, but because it's us lowly humans who invented the computer, and the internet, damn right! And it will be the same boneheaded egotistical biased racist greedy narrow minded seriously flawed human creatures who will destroy the internet, with a baseball bat if we have to. Should it ever dare to threaten our global standing. Sadly it was this fellow's narrow minded inflexibility, his lazy tendency not to search any further than the limited cold unfeeling electronic reach of his computer keyboard, and Google, his weird frustrating electronic refusal to simply use the brain God had given him, that ultimately resulted in the end of our budding friendship. Not because he was was right or wrong, but simply because I couldn't stand to be around someone who had forgotten how to think for himself.

Enter the foreign ELECTRONIC WOMAN.

Notice this time I prefaced this new catch phrase I've invented with the word "Foreign" because this strange obsessive compulsive totally illogical out the window brain dead knee jerk "electronic" behavior I'm personally witnessing everyday in thousands of supposedly intelligent mature men, not just in this country but all over the globe, oddly seems to be primarily focused on women from other countries.

Why is that? Girls is girls, right?

Why do perfectly sane men suddenly lose all sense of reason, why do they suddenly abandon common sense and do these bizarre insane unimaginable things just with foreign women? Like constantly tossing all their hard earned money at them as if it was dried leaves in autumn. Or buying them an I-phone and a laptop on the second date. And why do these same guys fall for the obvious well rehearsed monetarily influenced electronic "I love you" sales pitches, spewed out like chocolate covered cherries from all these thousands of photo-shopped foreign goddesses, that they would never believe if they came from average looking frumpty-dumpty women from their own country? 

Why is it the moment a sexy foreign woman appears on a man's computer screen, his neurons seem to immediately flop over on their backs and play dead?

I'll tell you.

Because it's easy. With electronic women a man doesn't have to think, he doesn't have to touch, or even feel, and when it's just a flat screen he's falling in love with there's no real risk. One foreign woman turns him off or shuts him down or rejects him, which I assure you seldom happens in the electronic love game, all he has to do is "click" on another, and as long as the endless stream of foreign electronic women keep giving him electronic affection, as long as they have direct access to his "credits" he doesn't have to pay attention to his gut male instincts screaming from inside telling him anything that seems too good to be true, probably isn't. 

With electronic women, not unlike an inflatable doll, all he has to do is turn on his computer, and yank out his credit card.

Fact; we men are inherently lazy when it comes to love and romance, that's just the nature of our species. Honestly the only thing that usually keeps us in the complicated female dominated love game for any noticeable length of time is most real warm breathing in-the-flesh females of the opposite sex won't accept that casual lazy simian un-involved male behavior. If we want what real women have to give us, and by "real" women I mean someone you can actually hold hands with, then we have to give them what they want. Right? That's a given and most of us instinctively know it. At it's practical unromantic core a working relationship is a somewhat balanced giving and receiving partnership. You know sorta like Obama and the banking industry. Scratch my itch, and I'll take you shopping. But Electronic Women are different. Not because they aren't real, but because of the easy convenient electronic medium the men have chosen to communicate with them.
Yes you heard me right. Sure in the past I've been blaming the companies but truth is YOU, the men, have chosen this easy, impersonal, convenient, and outrageously expensive, flat screen manner of communicating with foreign women. I've told you numerous times they are there, millions of em, in the flesh, and I've told you they are drop dead gorgeous and slender and sexy and ten times better than any woman you could ever find in your own country, and I've even told you which countries and which cities to visit, drawn you a map for Christ's sake, but for some weird reason most of you are still out there procrastinating and slow dancing with your keyboard.

Is any of this sinking in?

Another fact.  Sorry boys to be the one to burst your bubble, better tighten your cinch strap because I'm about to give it to you straight. Here goes. The multi-billion dollar ludicrously lucrative online "Electronic Woman" industry that I've been publicly slamming for the last two years exists, for one reason and one reason only...
Because secretly YOU guys want it to.

The next time you are on one of these so called virtual dating sites, falling in love at the speed of light with some impossibly gorgeous shapely sexy photo shopped electronic foreign vixen, backed up by an endless stream of overly romantic  well rehearsed form e-mails telling you what a wonderful guy you are, and how much she'd like to have your babies, or while you’re electronically chatting with a smokin hot sexy foreign woman online, with a body that was probably the prototype for Angalina Jolee, while watching your “credits” swirl down the drain like yesterdays lunch, I want you to do a little favor for me. Ok? Promise that you will. Pause for a moment sometime during the conversation, and just reach out and touch your monitor with your index finger. 
Tell me if you feel a pulse.

No? Want to know why?  That’s because the only thing that Electronic Women can ever offer you is, electronic affection.

Unless.... 

YOU DRAG YOURSELF AWAY FROM THAT DAMN KEYBOARD YOU SILLY WABBIT!

You have a passport, right? And you like to travel? Then what the hell are you waiting for, a permission slip from Homeland Security? Go pack your bags, right now! Get on an airplane and go see these wonderful women in person. Then immediately report back to me.

Please trust me on this boys, this is the ONLY way any of this can ever work. You have to go to them, because they can't come to you. And if any foreign woman claims she can come to you? Then immediately delete her profile and run the other way as fast as you can, because that's one of the most popular, and most expensive, scams out there. Next thing she's probably doing to do is snag you for airfare, and then she disappears.

Sorry fellas, but there is no other way to get started in international romance. You have to get off your butt and go meet these ladies face to face.

And oh yeah, one other thing. All those "credits" you see in your account?

Hate to be the one to break the news to ya, but they're really debits.

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